Here’s an idea: “Shifting is fully crowdsourced and updated through the cloud.”
It’s been a while since I’ve heard about a car company dropping big bucks on someone with a nebulous, New Age job title, which means it’s my time to shine.
I’m ready to dive into this cash-rich sector with my own twist: telling companies the obvious truths they somehow keep missing. I’ll call myself the Innovation Dictator. (Sure, I could go with Innovation Consultant, but let’s be real—autocracy is so in right now.) I hereby extend my services to product planners and design directors in need of someone to veto their most harebrained ideas.
What kind of ideas? Glad you asked.
Say a designer comes to me all excited: “We’ve got this groundbreaking new concept for a shifter!” I’d cut them off immediately. “Nope. It’s stupid. Stop right there.” The shifter problem has been solved. We don’t need another revolutionary shifter. But of course, the designer insists.
This new shifter isn’t just functional; it’s sexy, modern, iconic. TMZ will stalk this shifter. It’ll have 2.7 million Instagram followers. If it were a hotel, there’d be no front desk—check-in happens through Snapchat. The elevator? Hidden inside a tree you climb like an elf.
And that’s when I, your trusty Innovation Dictator, would step in and say, “Let’s not.”
The Tale of the Overengineered Shifter
“Here’s the problem,” the designer begins, firing up a PowerPoint presentation to solve a problem that doesn’t exist. “A boring old shifter—you pull back once for reverse, down for drive, park at the top. You don’t even think about it. It’s safe, easy to use, and—record scratch!—just like your dad’s shifter.
And his dad’s. Maybe not your great-granddad’s, though, because back then shifting involved a mechanic hanging off the hood to adjust the fargle valve, coaxing the clutch petcock to 2 o’clock, gently unwinding the torsion retainer, and sliding the actuator through a series of intricate maneuvers to shift into second while evading the Hun.”
“But our new shifter,” the designer continues, “is entirely gesture-based! This frees up valuable console space for wireless phone chargers that may or may not rewrite your DNA and definitely don’t work with iPhones. Shifting is crowdsourced and updated via the cloud. Don’t like the reverse gesture? No worries—tomorrow it’ll change! (Pro tip: we’ve learned not to let the internet pick the gestures.
Apologies to James Corden and Lady Gaga for backing into a storefront while voguing during Carpool Karaoke.) Now, our ‘Dab to Drive’ system is live! For reverse, just tug your ear like a baseball bunt signal. Neutral? Make a ‘Hmm, what’s Dan Quayle up to?’ face. Totally intuitive!”
The Madness of Modern Features
Sorry for putting you through that imaginary pitch, but similar ones happen daily. Nobody wants to seem old-fashioned, and everyone wants to flaunt “innovations.” The result? We’re stuck with a grab bag of half-baked ideas.
As your self-appointed Innovation Dictator, I decree the crazy shifter isn’t alone in its pointlessness. Other features to shelve (perhaps until the universe collapses):
- Voice recognition that never recognizes your voice.
- In-car joysticks, mice, or doodle pads.
- Hill-descent control for people who’ve never descended a hill.
- Fake wood trim that fools no one.
- In-dash apps that belong on your phone.
- Capacitive-touch buttons that work only when they feel like it.
- Rear-seat entertainment systems requiring an advanced degree to operate.
- Dashboard trees that grow leaves if you drive like a saint.
- Liftgates that demand you flail like a Karate Kid extra to open.
The Innovation Dictator’s Favorites
But I’m not just here to crush dreams—I’m here to champion the good stuff. Innovations worthy of praise include:
- Head-up displays.
- Electrification.
- Rev-matching on manuals.
- Adaptive cruise control.
- Power doors.
- Quality cloth seats (leather isn’t always better!).
- Capless fuel fillers.
- Removable truck tailgates.
- Performance data recorders.
- Eight- and 10-speed transmissions (but not nine-speeds, for reasons even I don’t understand).
As the old saying goes, they can’t all be intermittent wipers. Now, let’s get back to improving puddle lights that project indecipherable logos. We’re so close to nailing that one.
